Everyday Life

Crushing, demoralizing doubt: the soliloquy

I’m not a person with many problems or deep thoughts that keep me up at night. I don’t have things that I need to talk to other people about. I make my decisions, usually on my own, and stick to them. My emotions are as complicated as “Am I hungry or do I just want food?” Crushing, demoralizing doubt usually doesn’t have a place in my world. Until recently.

Let me start by saying that I didn’t think I would be as affected by my LSAT score as I was so I tried to get myself out of my funk. It made it so much worse. People are not supportive. People suck, actually. So I’m still recovering from the score and from trying to find support online. I’m telling as few people as I have to about my score. The one person I thought would be able to help, didn’t help at all. I’m feeling really stupid and alone in this. I only have a month to pull myself out and start studying again… for my 2.4 point increase in score (I hate everything). Honestly, I just can’t pull myself out of this.

On top of that, I saw a post on Tumblr that talked about “lack of motivation” in depression. It was shocking to me because that lack of motivation is an everyday factor in my life. It’s something that I have to overcome and am constantly struggling with. I am, of course, not saying I have depression. Depression is serious and horrible and I don’t want to be one of those girls that self-diagnoses and makes an issue out of something I couldn’t possibly understand.

So I was talking to my mom about that. I think she misunderstood what I was saying; she must have thought I was saying “I think I have depression.” I just think I have a lack of motivation. But regardless, she still truth-bombed me and then shut me down. She said that I can’t let ideas like that get to me. She told me that my grandmother had depression, she had depression, and that it didn’t apply in our family. She said that the depression our family has is different than the ones my friends have (because I have friends with various psychological things). She said that I shouldn’t let myself think like that or let it get to me. 

I’m not trying to vilify or speak badly about my mother. I love her so much and she is the wisest and most amazing person I know. She doesn’t intend to shut me down. It’s never meant to be purposeful or hurtful, but usually it doesn’t help me at all. Sometimes it makes it worse. This time, I just needed her to listen to me talk, nod and smile, and say “I know you are struggling with this score, but you’re going to be okay.” She could have stopped there and maybe it would have been enough. But she cut me off. She started talking about spirituality and all these things that I could literally not give a fuck about. She always does that–as if turning to our beliefs is going to help me overcome my current, real-life issues. Not today, my mumsicle, not today.

So after that, I turned to one of my friends for help. I started messaging her about it and she said we could meet up and discuss. So we met up and… didn’t discuss. We don’t talk about deep things, I guess. We mostly watch TV shows, but sometimes we really talk. I thought she would have a unique opinion because she has depression and usually picks up what I put down. She wouldn’t go spouting off about how it’s all in my head and I need to turn to my higher power. I just needed someone to talk to about that just to hear me figure out why the LSAT score and the “lack of motivation” is getting to me. Be my sounding board. I didn’t quite get that.

So now I’m crying in my basement doing absolutely nothing to improve my chances of getting a better test score and wallowing in self-pity because the one time I need someone to talk to… my people aren’t stepping up to the plate. 

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