Somehow… I got okay. I don’t know if it was the fact that I finally went outside and hung out with my friends in a public setting or if my lovely friend (who I apparently made feel quite guilty with that last post) kicked my mental ass into gear–regardless, I feel human again. Not the depressed, wallowing-in-my-basement-eating-popcorn-and-Valentina-for-all-fifteen-meals-and-watching-Firefly-How I Met Your Mother-and-Glee-all-on-repeat-throughout-the-day kind of human, but the human that can hold a normal conversation with other like humans and ruminate on things other than Netflix and LSAT scores.
Don’t get me wrong; the mere mention of the LSAT gets my mind into panicky overdrive and I have to take a minute to collect myself. However, it is a long way from where I was on Wednesday (where I burst into tears at the thought for 45 minutes).
Outside of my horrible feelings that lasted from the first day of the new year to Thursday/Friday, I’ve had a thought running around in my head. See, I am one of those bigger ladies. I am, and always have been, healthy, except for that whole PCOS exasperating my insulin and hormones and putting me at a high risk for diabetes (yes, I’m aware that it’s a health hurdle, but scored a 1 on my wellness exam a week later, which means I’m all sorts of crazy healthy), so when people say “You need to lose weight for your health,” I’m, like, bitches, you don’t know my health. I am healthy and I also don’t give a fuck. Usually it’s my family and I can’t call them bitches, but I definitely think it. So I’m not one for losing weight for health purposes, per se. My health is fine. I am healthy… ish (damn you, PCOS). Anyways, for me, that basically means that I stand with the body positive people who say beauty at any size, your health concerns are irrelevant to me, thanks but no thanks. I’m okay with that.
However, I am now hooked on Pintrest, specifically the clothes on Pintrest. I have a similar style to these people wearing clothes and I wish with all my heart that I could wear a slinky coral pink lacy dress and look like that.
How awesome would that be? Pretty awesome. That then leads me to think: “Maybe I should work out so that I can fit into these clothes and wear what she is wearing.” Assuming that I’d even be able to lose anything whilst working out. I wonder if that’s a conflict of interests. It probably is a small conflict, but to each their own, I suppose.
Regardless, I’m going to turn a minuscule amount of attention to fashion. Maybe. If I feel like it (I mean, I’m motivated now, but I have yet to start studying for the retake and the stress hasn’t set in yet). Also regardless, when I get a job, I am going shopping.
So, in overview, I was sad and then I had an expensive appetizer at Rainforest Cafe with my buddies and then fashion. Now I am human again and have left my basement. Progress!